week 11 of my search. i'd been doing the thing where you tell yourself you're fine because you're still sending applications. still getting first rounds. still performing okayness on calls.
then one tuesday i sat down to prep for an interview and just. couldn't. my hands wouldn't type. not in a dramatic way. i just sat there for two hours and nothing happened.
i thought i was being lazy. i'm not lazy. i have never been lazy. that framing sent me into a shame spiral that took three days to climb out of.
turned out i was running on fumes so long i'd stopped noticing. had to cancel the interview. cried about it for a full afternoon. then slept 11 hours and felt something shift.
not fixed. not better. just... less urgent. like the pressure valve had cracked open a little.
if your body is doing weird things, it's probably not weakness. it's probably information. i wish someone had told me that at week 3 instead of week 11.