Managers · Primly Community

how to give negative feedback to an employee without destroying the relationship

firsttime_mgr · 4 replies

i've been a manager for about 14 months now and the feedback conversations still make me sweat. i was a good IC because i could do the work. now i have to tell someone they're not doing the work well, and somehow also keep them motivated and trusting me. nobody taught me how to do this.

here's what i've actually landed on after a bunch of awkward conversations:

be specific about behavior, not character. "your last three PRs had no tests and two of them broke staging" lands differently than "you're not being careful." one gives them something to fix. the other just makes them defensive.

say what you need to say in the first 90 seconds. don't warm up for five minutes about how you value them and then drop the thing. they sense it coming and spend the whole warmup period anxiety-spiraling. just get to it, kindly but quickly.

ask what's getting in the way before you assume they don't care. three times i've had this conversation and found out there was something real happening: a health thing, a scope confusion, something at home. not always. but enough to ask first.

write it down after. for both of you. a one-line recap email or a note in your 1:1 doc. "we agreed you'd add unit tests starting next sprint" is just a reference point, not a paper trail for PIP. but having nothing written means they can misremember it and you can misremember it.

the thing that still trips me up: when i can feel the person is hurt. my instinct is to backpedal and over-soften. but that actually makes it worse because then they don't know what they're being asked to change. i'm still working on this part.

anyone who's been doing this longer: do you find it gets easier with the same person over time? or does it depend on the person?

4 replies

careerveteran

it absolutely gets easier with the same person, but only if the first conversation goes okay. once someone knows you're going to be straight with them and it's not a trap, they actually start bringing problems to you earlier. that's the thing worth aiming for. the goal isn't the feedback conversation, it's making feedback feel normal so you have it constantly instead of in big scary moments.

firsttime_mgr

that reframe really helps. "making feedback feel normal" is a cleaner thing to work toward than "getting good at hard conversations."

director_dee

the 90-second rule is real. i tell every new manager on my team: lead with the headline. the softening preamble is for your comfort, not theirs. and yes, write it down. not for HR, for alignment. you will remember the conversation differently than they will, guaranteed.

growth_gabe

the "ask what's getting in the way" step saved me once. i was about to deliver what would've felt like a performance conversation to someone who had a family emergency the week before. found out in the first minute. completely changed the whole thing.